Being Better...

I'm at home and thinking about me... how I react to people's view of me.  Wondering why I have such a hard time accepting and believing positive feedback.  I get compliments quite often yet I still crave more.

You say I'm good?  Tell me I'm better than my peers.  Think I'm pretty?  Tell me I'm prettier than the other girls.  Enjoy my music?  Explain how it's better than the other musicians.  Think I'm a joy to be around?  That's great!  As long as someone else doesn't own the same compliment.

Why do I gauge my self-esteem based on my comparison to the people around me?  How does my worth rely on being better than someone else?  Unique isn't good enough.  I want to be more unique than those around me.  I have a hard time imagining myself succeeding because there are way too many people out there who I could never be better than.

There are girls so much prettier than I would even want to be.  There are people who can play guitar at levels I could only dream of.  There are Christians more humble, more selfless, more servant-hearted than I will be.  There are people naturally detail-oriented, in a way that I can never compare.  There are people out there incredibly driven who I could never compete with, even if I worked myself to death in the effort.

My best seems so often to be just a hair short of good enough.  My character not quite worthy of high respect.  My skills not quite adequate.  My performance just short of praiseworthy.

My prayer...

Lord, remind me to turn to You when I doubt myself and ability to live a life worthy of Your calling.  God, please show me how You made me to be just the way I am.  I know I am the work of Your hand and I am insulting Your craftmanship, not being humble, when I downtalk myself.  Please instill in me the confidence that comes with understanding that You love me, that You will enable to me to carry out the tasks I am expected to complete.  Help me remember that Your love for me does not depend upon my performance or ability to measure up to the world's view of success.  THANK YOU for loving me so unconditionally!  I commit to put my best effort into following You and pleasing You with my life.

Challenge......

Where does your self worth come from?  Your successful career that shows the hard work you put in?  The savings account that shows how you were a good steward?  That car that shows how successful you  must be?  That thing you're so good at?  Your way with people?  The checks you write for good causes?

How much of your identity, if you are honest, truly depends on what God thinks about you?  Pray and ask God to show you how He sees you.  You may be surprised how much your self-worth is skewed by the way the world thinks.  Let me know what He says!!!  I'd love to hear from you.  :-)

God Provides Again!!!

Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season full of friends and family.  I had a great Christmas in Minnesota with my family.   It was rather chilly, but I was glad to have a white Christmas- it doesn't seem real without the snow.  When I got back to Washington I packed up the last of my stuff and finished moving into my new place.  It's really great having my own place and I LOVE my roommate, Amanda!  It's totally a God thing that we met (thanks Brian ;-)   I also had a wonderful New Years Eve with great company.  All in all, a fantastic couple of weeks!

It didn't start out so great though; I lost my job right before I flew out for Christmas.  It happened the same week I was starting to move into my new place so I was pretty worried about finances.  I gave it to God and asked Him to provide something as soon as possible.  I did my best searching online, picking up applications, and then clung to the peace that comes with knowing God's got it under control.  People expressed concern in the timing of my lay-off and doubt that I would find something new quickly.  God used this time to remind me of how quickly I can lose anything I find security in other than Him, and challenged me to really trust in Him.

I'm very grateful to say that the Lord has provided quickly once again!  I started nannying full time on Monday, January 4th, for a wonderful family.  I help get the kids up and to school in the morning, then do light chores, filing and organizing during the morning.  After lunch I pick them up from school and act as chauffeur, shuttling them around to their gazillion after school activities.  It's probably the most challenging job I've ever had yet it's a great fit and I love it!

I'd love to hear from you about how your holiday season went, what's going on in your life.  If you're struggling with anything, I'd love to come alongside you, support and encourage you, and lift you up in prayer.

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My Isaac

Lately I've been finding God challenging me to trust Him more in every area of life.  He wants all of us as believers to find our security in His provision more than our own abilities.  I find when I'm in need I turn to God out of necessity, but as soon as He comes through I cling to the provision instead of the provider.  I'm learning to hold things a little more loosely, and He's helping me out by allowing me more opportunities to practice.

Like most people out there, I've worried about employment.  I've worried about finding the right job, getting health insurance, making enough money, utilizing my strengths in the best way possible...even while I've been working I've been worrying.  I felt God moving me to trust in Him to provide, not relying on my human ability to produce a paycheck.  So I said, God, I'm surrendering my job to You.  I trust that if You move me into something new, it is for a good reason, and You know where we're going.  I know I can't see what's next, so I'm trusting You to provide.  I feel You're asking me to lay my job down on the altar, like you did with Abraham and Isaac.

So I laid it down on the altar.  But honestly, I was doing it with the expectation that my story would turn out the same, that God would see my heart and spare my job.  But that's not how it worked.  Today at 5:30 I was informed I am not expected to return to work on Monday.  Ouch.  I felt I was doing a good job and improving in the areas that needed work, so it came as a surprise.

So emotionally right now, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared, I'm disappointed, and I could use a big hug and a lot of chocolate.  Spiritually, I feel I'm being stretched, far beyond my comfort zone, but I know I'm going to come out stronger.  I know God's teaching me to have more faith and courage.  It's not comfortable to learn these things, but at least I know God is good and He has a plan in all this.

On a more upbeat note- my other Isaac was my living situation.  I'd found a great house with a great roommate, but it looked like we weren't going to be able to get it.  So I laid it down on the altar and said God, I really really want this house and I feel You've provided it for me.  However, if it doesn't work out I'm going to trust that You've got a better place in mind.  Know what happened?  We got it!  We're almost halfway moved in and plan on being all the way in by Sunday!!!!  Yea!

I'm looking forward to spending a week with my family in Minnesota for Christmas.  I hope all of you have a wonderful time with friends and family, remembering all that God's done for you this year, and looking forward to a new year with new lessons and blessings to come!!!

My attempt to cram the last three months into a nutshell

Bellingham
I moved to Bellingham, Washington in the beginning of September, somewhat on a whim.  I was ready for something new and had been considering Missoula, MT but decided I'd rather be closer to my extended family and experience some new things.  My aunt and uncle have been generous in allowing me to live in their home and share life with them for the last three months.  They've been a huge support and encouragement in my new life here!  I love Bellingham and the hometown feel it maintaints despite its population of about 78,000. 

Banking again
I got a job at a local bank less than two weeks after arriving (praise God!)  It was a surprisingly difficult adjustment for me, many days I just wanted to go home and cry.  However, the Lord's spoke to me through some people and some readings and helped me change my attitude- now I love my job!  Life lesson- most of the time our satisfaction depends less on our situation than our attitude and perspective in that situation.

Music
I've been playing my music a little- I've done a couple small gigs and have found my favorite open mic in town.  I've been writing a little, but hope to be putting more time in soon.  My recording project has kind of been paused for now- hopefully will get back to it soon.  There is no lack of music opportunities here- it seems as though every other person you meet is a musician that would love to jam with you sometime.  Open mics and live music are everywhere!

Budget coaching
A really exciting thing for me here is a program I've become involved with called Love Inc.  It's a Christian non-profit budget counseling/ coaching program.  This session I started out as a "budget coach assistant" and have enjoyed working with a client one on one.  Next session I get to be a budget coach, leading the team!!!  It's cool seeing God utilizing the talents He's given me, the ones I thought were just obsessive compulsive tendencies. 

Coming Up
A few exciting things on the horizon...spending Christmas with my family in Minnesota, moving in with a new roommate at the beginning of the year, and hopefully a quick road trip to visit my dear friends in Montana.

I love you, you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I would love to hear a quick hello from you!

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