I was taking a walk with a friend the other day, trying to verbally process my feelings. I felt like my life was a messy suitcase which, no matter how I arranged it would still weigh just as much. He noted that perhaps, in the unpacking, there could be a way to put things in boxes and to neatly label them. What an amazing concept! (Keep in mind I organize as part of my living- label makers are my best friend!) Interestingly, I now realize how accurate a depiction of my thought processing this whole labeling thing is.
My intellectual life is mostly in neat little boxes. Behavior is good or bad, motivations are selfish or self- serving, there is a right way to do things, and black and white answers are to be found for most questions. There is a box for things I need to think about now, and a box of things I can think about later. There is a box for platonic opposite sex relationships and a box for romantic opposite sex relationships. What is appropriate behavior in friendships is determined by which box the friend falls into, and one cannot simultaneously fall into both boxes.
But so often in life, I come across things that don't fit into my boxes. Like someone who professes to be a Christian and lives a homosexual lifestyle. Or someone who has been seeking God their whole life but still hasn't met Jesus Christ. I believe in the absolute truth of the Bible, but sometimes it's hard to understand how it applies to my relationships and how I see the world.
And so I am constantly wrestling; there is always something that doesn't fit in the box. I have to know where everything goes so I know what to do, how to act. On one hand, I feel kind of crazy; perhaps I am just a control freak that needs to let it go. But on the other hand, I kind of wonder why it seems everyone else lets their thoughts and actions go unchecked, their motivations unexamined. Perhaps they are content with being the person they are and allowing their actions to flow out of that state of being?
I'd be interested in your thoughts. :-)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lessons from a man after God's own heart
Over the last year, I've been stretched out of my comfort zone, forcing me to trust in God's provision. I've trusted God for living situations, relationships, a church family, community, finances, employment, and direction. Each time something changed, it became more natural to trust God.
However, in going through this so many times, I've become complacent. It's as if I'm too exhausted to feel the weight of my circumstance, or consider the possible negative outcomes, so I just throw it out there for God to take care of. Sadly, this "throwing it out there" often neglects time in the Word or in prayer.
This morning I was studying the Psalms and seeing how David handled distress. What a great example! Here is a man who was in close relationship with God, had been taken care of time and again, who placed his trust solely in God's word. Yet his response to trial was not, "God, I'm just trusting You've got this taken care of, so I'm not going to think about it." He PLEADED and CRIED OUT for the Lord's intervention. In Psalm 119:147, he writes,
"I rise before dawn and cry for help, I have put my hope in Your word."
I'm re-examining my attitude now. Am I really seeking God's hand? Am I really asking for help? Or am I casually mentioning requests in my prayers on occasion and trusting that God will hear me once and git er done?
However, in going through this so many times, I've become complacent. It's as if I'm too exhausted to feel the weight of my circumstance, or consider the possible negative outcomes, so I just throw it out there for God to take care of. Sadly, this "throwing it out there" often neglects time in the Word or in prayer.
This morning I was studying the Psalms and seeing how David handled distress. What a great example! Here is a man who was in close relationship with God, had been taken care of time and again, who placed his trust solely in God's word. Yet his response to trial was not, "God, I'm just trusting You've got this taken care of, so I'm not going to think about it." He PLEADED and CRIED OUT for the Lord's intervention. In Psalm 119:147, he writes,
"I rise before dawn and cry for help, I have put my hope in Your word."
I'm re-examining my attitude now. Am I really seeking God's hand? Am I really asking for help? Or am I casually mentioning requests in my prayers on occasion and trusting that God will hear me once and git er done?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Thoughts from the park
Today, this park is my sanctuary. This rock, covered in a thick cushion of soft moss, is far more comfortable than any chair I could sit in. My roof is a thick canopy of green foliage shielding me from the heat of this August afternoon. Yet, at the same time, it allows the sunlight to peek through and brush me with its fingers.
The waterfall pushes out the noises; the sound of people, the voices of worry in my mind. Even the sound of the birds is drowned out by the powerful roar. This waterfall spreads out before me, continuing down as a smooth, clear stream. Rolling, rolling, rolling on through the park.
I imagine that I am a little girl sitting on the edge of the rock, swinging her feet. I pick the petals off a flower one by one, dropping them into the water below, letting them drift away with all my worries.
The ferns remind me of Dad and I am happy to be experiencing the place he grew up. I hope it shapes me like it did him.
What a luxury to sit here, watching leaves gently float through the air to touch the water and continue their journey downstream. The flow cascades through my heart and soul, washing away my anxiety. How silly I was to bring my backpack full of things to deal with, decisions to be made, answers to be found. How foolish to think I would turn this haven into a center of productivity.
To think that God made this beautiful place for us to enjoy and I've ignored it for so long! Such a glimpse of who He is. Beauty, majesty, power, healing, calming. I think of seasons and how nature never resists the change. Snow is not jealous of summer's warm beaches, spring does not envy the colors of autumn. Crops do not become frustrated that they are not ready before harvest. Perhaps this forest has some things to teach me.
God led me to Psalm 1:1-3, which says, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
The waterfall pushes out the noises; the sound of people, the voices of worry in my mind. Even the sound of the birds is drowned out by the powerful roar. This waterfall spreads out before me, continuing down as a smooth, clear stream. Rolling, rolling, rolling on through the park.
I imagine that I am a little girl sitting on the edge of the rock, swinging her feet. I pick the petals off a flower one by one, dropping them into the water below, letting them drift away with all my worries.
The ferns remind me of Dad and I am happy to be experiencing the place he grew up. I hope it shapes me like it did him.
What a luxury to sit here, watching leaves gently float through the air to touch the water and continue their journey downstream. The flow cascades through my heart and soul, washing away my anxiety. How silly I was to bring my backpack full of things to deal with, decisions to be made, answers to be found. How foolish to think I would turn this haven into a center of productivity.
To think that God made this beautiful place for us to enjoy and I've ignored it for so long! Such a glimpse of who He is. Beauty, majesty, power, healing, calming. I think of seasons and how nature never resists the change. Snow is not jealous of summer's warm beaches, spring does not envy the colors of autumn. Crops do not become frustrated that they are not ready before harvest. Perhaps this forest has some things to teach me.
God led me to Psalm 1:1-3, which says, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Peace...
In a society where stress seems to be the new status symbol, peace is a fairy tale to most. A nice idea, something to dream about and long for, but never to be reached. All too often, I find myself falling into the rat race, gauging my success, even my Christianity, by how busy I am.
I know that the solution to this self- inflicted stress is to spend time with God, study His Word, talk to Him about what I'm going through, and take the time to listen to His response. Instead, I find myself spending hours on facebook, eating chocolate, drinking wine, and reading self-help books. Sitting still and completing even one page of my study or spending one minute in prayer is such a struggle! I find myself doing anything to avoid coming face to face with whatever awaits me in that quiet, unfamiliar stillness.
I was confused by my behavior until I came to realize that I was (and am) undergoing a spiritual battle. In Galatians 5:17, Paul writes, "For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want." My spirit longs for intimacy with God, but my flesh fights to hold onto comfort and familiarity.
I found my greatest encouragement, which I'd like to share with you, in Philippians 4:6-7: (italics mine)
Do not be anxious about anything (God literally commands us not to get stressed out)
but in every situation, by prayer and petition, (but means pray INSTEAD of worrying)
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (believe God will answer your prayers)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, (you'll have peace when it makes no sense to be okay given the situation you find yourself in)
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Once peace gets in, it will help fend off the spirit of fear and doubt)
I will not go as far as to say that I am comfortable with or enjoy being still. But I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6) Be blessed, be encouraged, beloved children of God!!!
I know that the solution to this self- inflicted stress is to spend time with God, study His Word, talk to Him about what I'm going through, and take the time to listen to His response. Instead, I find myself spending hours on facebook, eating chocolate, drinking wine, and reading self-help books. Sitting still and completing even one page of my study or spending one minute in prayer is such a struggle! I find myself doing anything to avoid coming face to face with whatever awaits me in that quiet, unfamiliar stillness.
I was confused by my behavior until I came to realize that I was (and am) undergoing a spiritual battle. In Galatians 5:17, Paul writes, "For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want." My spirit longs for intimacy with God, but my flesh fights to hold onto comfort and familiarity.
I found my greatest encouragement, which I'd like to share with you, in Philippians 4:6-7: (italics mine)
Do not be anxious about anything (God literally commands us not to get stressed out)
but in every situation, by prayer and petition, (but means pray INSTEAD of worrying)
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (believe God will answer your prayers)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, (you'll have peace when it makes no sense to be okay given the situation you find yourself in)
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Once peace gets in, it will help fend off the spirit of fear and doubt)
I will not go as far as to say that I am comfortable with or enjoy being still. But I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6) Be blessed, be encouraged, beloved children of God!!!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Drop Cards
My dropcards arrived this week- yea!!! If you've never heard of dropcards, this is how they describe them:
Dropcards is the brand name synonymous with music download cards - high-quality, gift card shaped cards printed with your own custom artwork, a website address and a unique access code to unlock digital downloads - helping to successfully bridge the gap between the physical and online world of music downloads.
Most commonly used as a cost-effective alternative to CDs, Dropcards offer customization and distribution options never before available with traditional formats.
For more info, check out www.dropcards.com/nikkideneui
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Another beautiful day in March
I'm still LOVING life in Bellingham. The weather has been gorgeous, the scenery is amazing, and the town is incredibly friendly.
My new job is often challenging, but very rewarding. I really like the family I work for and their kids are great. I'm learning a little about Asian culture as their dad is from China and their mom is from Vietnam. They're a very smart and hardworking family and they keep my own toes!
My church is feeling more and more like home as I get to know people better. I've been invited to be part of the worship team, so that has made me feel more connected as well. I really like the community I find in our body. There's always lots of kids running around, which makes me happy.
My house is feeling more and more like home as Amanda and I decorate it in a way that fits both our tastes. It's great being able to have friends over- I've already had my friend Jess from Whitefish and my friend Paul from England come visit. My brother Jake will be here with some friends next weekend- yea!
My recording project is under way. I'm working on it down in Kirkland with my friend Jarron. He's been great to work with so far and I'm looking forward to the rest of the project. Hopefully it will be done by the end of the month, if not early April.
Most exciting on the agenda- I'm visiting Whitefish in a few weeks! I'll be arriving mid-late day on Saturday on April 3rd. I'm excited to visit friends at the Naz church, have my traditional birthday dinner at Mackenzie River Pizza (a few weeks early), spend some time at Montana Coffee Traders, and catch up with people I haven't seen in WAY too long.
My new job is often challenging, but very rewarding. I really like the family I work for and their kids are great. I'm learning a little about Asian culture as their dad is from China and their mom is from Vietnam. They're a very smart and hardworking family and they keep my own toes!
My church is feeling more and more like home as I get to know people better. I've been invited to be part of the worship team, so that has made me feel more connected as well. I really like the community I find in our body. There's always lots of kids running around, which makes me happy.
My house is feeling more and more like home as Amanda and I decorate it in a way that fits both our tastes. It's great being able to have friends over- I've already had my friend Jess from Whitefish and my friend Paul from England come visit. My brother Jake will be here with some friends next weekend- yea!
My recording project is under way. I'm working on it down in Kirkland with my friend Jarron. He's been great to work with so far and I'm looking forward to the rest of the project. Hopefully it will be done by the end of the month, if not early April.
Most exciting on the agenda- I'm visiting Whitefish in a few weeks! I'll be arriving mid-late day on Saturday on April 3rd. I'm excited to visit friends at the Naz church, have my traditional birthday dinner at Mackenzie River Pizza (a few weeks early), spend some time at Montana Coffee Traders, and catch up with people I haven't seen in WAY too long.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Being Better...
I'm at home and thinking about me... how I react to people's view of me. Wondering why I have such a hard time accepting and believing positive feedback. I get compliments quite often yet I still crave more.
You say I'm good? Tell me I'm better than my peers. Think I'm pretty? Tell me I'm prettier than the other girls. Enjoy my music? Explain how it's better than the other musicians. Think I'm a joy to be around? That's great! As long as someone else doesn't own the same compliment.
Why do I gauge my self-esteem based on my comparison to the people around me? How does my worth rely on being better than someone else? Unique isn't good enough. I want to be more unique than those around me. I have a hard time imagining myself succeeding because there are way too many people out there who I could never be better than.
There are girls so much prettier than I would even want to be. There are people who can play guitar at levels I could only dream of. There are Christians more humble, more selfless, more servant-hearted than I will be. There are people naturally detail-oriented, in a way that I can never compare. There are people out there incredibly driven who I could never compete with, even if I worked myself to death in the effort.
My best seems so often to be just a hair short of good enough. My character not quite worthy of high respect. My skills not quite adequate. My performance just short of praiseworthy.
My prayer...
Lord, remind me to turn to You when I doubt myself and ability to live a life worthy of Your calling. God, please show me how You made me to be just the way I am. I know I am the work of Your hand and I am insulting Your craftmanship, not being humble, when I downtalk myself. Please instill in me the confidence that comes with understanding that You love me, that You will enable to me to carry out the tasks I am expected to complete. Help me remember that Your love for me does not depend upon my performance or ability to measure up to the world's view of success. THANK YOU for loving me so unconditionally! I commit to put my best effort into following You and pleasing You with my life.
Challenge......
Where does your self worth come from? Your successful career that shows the hard work you put in? The savings account that shows how you were a good steward? That car that shows how successful you must be? That thing you're so good at? Your way with people? The checks you write for good causes?
How much of your identity, if you are honest, truly depends on what God thinks about you? Pray and ask God to show you how He sees you. You may be surprised how much your self-worth is skewed by the way the world thinks. Let me know what He says!!! I'd love to hear from you. :-)
You say I'm good? Tell me I'm better than my peers. Think I'm pretty? Tell me I'm prettier than the other girls. Enjoy my music? Explain how it's better than the other musicians. Think I'm a joy to be around? That's great! As long as someone else doesn't own the same compliment.
Why do I gauge my self-esteem based on my comparison to the people around me? How does my worth rely on being better than someone else? Unique isn't good enough. I want to be more unique than those around me. I have a hard time imagining myself succeeding because there are way too many people out there who I could never be better than.
There are girls so much prettier than I would even want to be. There are people who can play guitar at levels I could only dream of. There are Christians more humble, more selfless, more servant-hearted than I will be. There are people naturally detail-oriented, in a way that I can never compare. There are people out there incredibly driven who I could never compete with, even if I worked myself to death in the effort.
My best seems so often to be just a hair short of good enough. My character not quite worthy of high respect. My skills not quite adequate. My performance just short of praiseworthy.
My prayer...
Lord, remind me to turn to You when I doubt myself and ability to live a life worthy of Your calling. God, please show me how You made me to be just the way I am. I know I am the work of Your hand and I am insulting Your craftmanship, not being humble, when I downtalk myself. Please instill in me the confidence that comes with understanding that You love me, that You will enable to me to carry out the tasks I am expected to complete. Help me remember that Your love for me does not depend upon my performance or ability to measure up to the world's view of success. THANK YOU for loving me so unconditionally! I commit to put my best effort into following You and pleasing You with my life.
Challenge......
Where does your self worth come from? Your successful career that shows the hard work you put in? The savings account that shows how you were a good steward? That car that shows how successful you must be? That thing you're so good at? Your way with people? The checks you write for good causes?
How much of your identity, if you are honest, truly depends on what God thinks about you? Pray and ask God to show you how He sees you. You may be surprised how much your self-worth is skewed by the way the world thinks. Let me know what He says!!! I'd love to hear from you. :-)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
God Provides Again!!!
Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season full of friends and family. I had a great Christmas in Minnesota with my family. It was rather chilly, but I was glad to have a white Christmas- it doesn't seem real without the snow. When I got back to Washington I packed up the last of my stuff and finished moving into my new place. It's really great having my own place and I LOVE my roommate, Amanda! It's totally a God thing that we met (thanks Brian ;-) I also had a wonderful New Years Eve with great company. All in all, a fantastic couple of weeks!
It didn't start out so great though; I lost my job right before I flew out for Christmas. It happened the same week I was starting to move into my new place so I was pretty worried about finances. I gave it to God and asked Him to provide something as soon as possible. I did my best searching online, picking up applications, and then clung to the peace that comes with knowing God's got it under control. People expressed concern in the timing of my lay-off and doubt that I would find something new quickly. God used this time to remind me of how quickly I can lose anything I find security in other than Him, and challenged me to really trust in Him.
I'm very grateful to say that the Lord has provided quickly once again! I started nannying full time on Monday, January 4th, for a wonderful family. I help get the kids up and to school in the morning, then do light chores, filing and organizing during the morning. After lunch I pick them up from school and act as chauffeur, shuttling them around to their gazillion after school activities. It's probably the most challenging job I've ever had yet it's a great fit and I love it!
I'd love to hear from you about how your holiday season went, what's going on in your life. If you're struggling with anything, I'd love to come alongside you, support and encourage you, and lift you up in prayer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)